What Has Happened to Us?
What happened to the relationship between the black man and woman? Why is there such a divide when it comes to seeing black love in our community? Less than 50 years ago there was such a desire for us to work things out and be together, but now, it’s a struggle just to see black couples displaying the love that they have for each other. So, the question becomes what’s really going on in our black communities?
The Black Man’s Choice of the White Woman:
Honestly, this has become a concern among many black women. How the black man so angrily latches onto the white woman and swears his allegiance to her when everything he came from has been black. It’s mind-blowing that he has a black mother, black sisters, and black aunts and sees the strength that they had in helping carve out who he is, yet turns around and says that a white woman is his queen. More importantly, it’s hurtful how when he sees a black woman walking up to him, while in the presence of a white woman, the hatred in his eyes towards that black woman is so evident and real.
The choices we make as a people have adverse effects on who we are as a people. Yet, we can’t seem to break some of the trends that are completely consuming us as a people. As more and more black men turn to the arms of white women, black women are being left out in the cold and are being forced to choose alternative solutions. Yet, there is an innate desire to be loved by the black man, wholly, completely, and eternally.
How can we turn back time for the black woman?
Sitting down and talking to several black men who have white women as their mates, there are several things that they all have in common. The first commonality was the idea and comment that all black women are angry. Not realizing the lie that has been drilled into their head by society, it was earnestly believed by all of them.
To address this head on the first question becomes, where did the statement “Angry Black Woman” come from? This statement like so many other lies that have been told about black people came from our white counterparts. Notably, characterizing Black women as loud, irascible, too straightforward — and just plain angry — isn’t a new practice. In her book Ar’n’t I a Woman?: Female Slaves in the Plantation South, Rutgers University history professor Deborah Gray White notes that the angry Black woman image is deeply rooted in American culture and dates back to chattel slavery in the U.S.
Just as the lie was told that all black men would rape white women, and steal from any white man, the lie was told that black women were angry. The lie was told that black women didn’t feel pain like white women when they were sick. The lie was told that black women could bear and handle pretty much anything. So, when we got out of character or became angry it seemed unnatural to white people and a way to exploit black women. The only problem with this lie is that many of our black men took that lie and believed it wholeheartedly. Like everything else, black people have been placed in a barrel that runs deep and told we are the weakest, the sickest, the poorest, and the ones with the worst personalities. When do we tell our own story and stop believing what others say about us?
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The Conversation of Dark and The Light Skinned People
Since slavery, there has been a separation of our people even among the tribe itself. If a black person was fairer in skin color, they were chosen by white people to live in their homes, take care of their children, cook their food, and much more. They were referred to as house niggas. Even if a person came from a dark-complected family, if they were lighter than the rest, they would be singled out by the white man and in many cases given the opportunity to be treated just a little differently. Because of this, many of our black people have taken on the value of skin color.
In the 60’s and 70’s it was fashionable for darker-skinned people to pick lighter-skinned black people as mates. If you were a mix between dark and light-skinned black people you were considered normal. But if you were really dark or really light-skinned, there was a prejudice within our own community. Being fair-skinned no matter how ugly you were, guaranteed you to be with someone because your skin color alone made you beautiful to someone. And the darker you were, meant you had to work extremely hard, to get a mate. Because many thought you were unacceptable simply because you were too dark. So, the insecurity of your skin color played a huge role in how others saw you and how you saw yourself.
Black men, had it the hardest because in their eyes, they had to be extra to get a woman if they were of the darker persuasion. Even though in most cases skin color had nothing to do with them getting a woman, that’s what was believed. So, they would dress the best, spend money and wine and dine women. However, they always in most cases wanted a lighter woman in their beds. As time went on the lighter the woman the better. Could this be where the white woman now has the upper hand on the black woman?
The Deterioration of the Black Family Unit
While in slavery black men have been trained to view black women as a commodity that they wouldn’t necessarily be with for long. Just when they got comfortable with being a man and head of a family, they would get ripped away from their wife and children and sold to someone else; or they would make a run for it be free and still never see their family again.
That training continued when welfare came along. The black man couldn’t marry the black woman because if he did, the care that black women received from the government would be cut short and life would be harder to live. So, the black woman would do just enough to make the black man feel like he was necessary, but when the government came snooping around they would hide any trace of the man being there. This opened doors for black men to move from place to place.
Then the final attempt to separate the black man from his roots and family came from the prison system. Black men were placed in prisons in droves, destroying any opportunity for them to be a part of the family unit. In prison, many of them changed their views about the world. Many not feeling the comfort of a woman, turned to each other, and many became so angry that even when they got out they were unbearable to deal with. Many, would get out only to return in a matter of months and never got to see their families.
The media has played a huge role in destroying and taking the black woman out of the picture for far too long. Yes, we have had strong characterization like “Julia”, and “Cleopatra Jones” in the past. We have even had shows like “Living Single”, and “Martin” which changed the views of how black women and men should be viewed. However, what most people truly viewed and took seriously was the news, and the commercials. On the news, black men and women were always viewed as being bad or doing something wrong. Any opportunity given was seized by brandishing our faces in a way that made the American community as a whole afraid of black people. Then the commercials were designed to show the perfect family as being a white family. White women were shown to be the ones who stayed home with the family as homemakers, while the husband went off to work. They did all the cooking and cleaning and ran the homes. No one ever talks about the black women that came in as maids and actually did all the work. The cooking and cleaning were left up to the black woman while the white woman got all the credit in the commercials.
Today, the view hasn’t changed much. The only difference is the white man is being replaced by the black man in the commercials as the provider. The white woman sits beautifully with her mixed family and the world sees it as normal. If the white woman isn’t with the black man, you see another black or white man in replace of the black woman. People see these commercials hundreds of times on a weekly basis and commercials are designed to feed a narrative and convince people of a lifestyle and product. Do you not believe that many of the black men are buying into what they are seeing?
Finally, gentrification plays a huge role in how the black family unit is destroyed. Black people are very community oriented and driven. Family and heritage have always been a part of who we are as a people, but when we are always displaced due to progress, we were being told in all words that our lives do not matter. We are being told that we are not wanted and there is very little value in what we have built. Gentrification is used specifically to destroy the black community. Although the neighborhood may be upgraded, it takes the value the community once had in it out of it for the black family.
But all of this was by design. The systems created were put in place to destroy the black family unit and make sure that we could never be one as a people. In every instance of these situations, there are three things we lose as a people. We lose the connections we should have with each other as a people.
Restoration of the Black Relationships and Family Unit
It’s going to take a lot for us to restore the view of the black family. It will be even harder to convince many of the black men that he may have strayed just a little too far. It’s easy to call a black woman a queen, but honoring her as one is where many men fall short. The first thing we need to do is disband the hierarchy of skin color within our own community. Black no matter what shade is beautiful and that’s that. Making someone feel inferior because of how dark they are must be nipped in the bud. Because as life has shown us, no matter what you look like, if you’re ugly on the inside it really doesn’t matter.
The second thing that we must do is stop allowing the media to dictate what is acceptable in the black community. We have found in the past decade how much the media has lied when it came to politics and healthcare and much more. The media is bought and paid for and definitely a vice used to sway public opinion. We have to find a new way to get our message of who we are out so that our minds can be reprogrammed.
Third, we as a people should take a vested interest in our story as a people. We need to tell our own stories. Not every black woman is angry. Not every black man is a thief. Not every black person is a deceiver. We must tell our own stories and show our own people first that we have value and worth. If we tell our own story enough, others will hear it and believe it. It’s time we promote self-love within our community. We put out, we will be returned.
Finally, as a people we need to take on the responsibility of raising our children with both parents as much as possible. So many men have lost the opportunity to help in the raising of their children either because they don’t want the responsibility or because the woman uses the child as a game piece to hold over the head of the man. If we want highly functional intelligent and well round children, they will need both parents. Black mothers and fathers have to settle their differences for the sake of the child.
We should take responsibility for what goes on in the community and deal with the crime and misconduct that happens. There used to be a notice that came on television back in the 80s that chime in around 7 PM and it would ask whomever in the room did they know where their child was. If we keep our children out of the streets after a certain time period, we may be able to stop the gangs from forming. We may also in turn be able to keep our children from going down the wrong beaten path. Children mimic what they see. If we show them we can rebuild our community they will in turn grow up to be those who do the same. It’s now time for us to give our future the right lessons it needs to change our community.
by Katrice Johnson
I’m a graphic designer and web designer. I am also the author of three books and working on my fourth now.
For more information about me and how I can help you with your business, please go to my website Graphic Grooves Consulting
